Thoughts....

As I begin to write this I am about 4 hours from meeting my daughter...my daughter not born under my heart but in it...

I want to write down what I am feeling and how this trip has changed me thus far...

Today has been a hard day.....When I woke up this morning (4 AM) I realized it had been 24 hours since I had anything to eat...I felt weak....I felt clammy....I felt sick....I thought, OH NO!!! I can not be sick!! I have to be strong...I have to feel my best....but I didn't and still don't! (but getting better)!

Let me go back a day....

I dont know if many know this but I have very few fears....but one of the BIG fears I have is flying...I hate it...I hate how it makes me anxious....I hate everything about it....One of the reasons I questioned God when he opened my heart to do this is because I have to fly across the world...I didn't know if I could do it...But I knew if he called me to do it than I would!!!

Yesterday our guide dropped us off at the airport in Beijing. She said, "You be fine...it real easy." HAHA!! We walked in and we saw very few if any signs with English on it. Eventually we found our way to the gate...we boarded a bus that was FULL of people (Chris and I were both taller than anyone on the bus)...everyone was staring at us like we had 5 heads...we got off the bus and boarded the plane...The lady said Ni hao (Hello)....We got into our seats...me in the middle....I looked at Chris and said, "I do not know if I can do this." He smiled, grabbed my hand, and said, "You dont have a choice."

The plane took off (I hate take off) and after about ten minutes someone came over the loud speaker and said something in Chinese....Then all of the sudden, the plane started to shake...really shake...then drop.....worst turbulance I have ever experienced.....I thought, "Here it goes, its going to fall out of the sky."

Then I thought about Jan (our Sunday School Teacher) and thought about all the people who were praying for us...I began to pray, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.." I said it over and over...then I began to name one by one the people who were praying for us....It gave me such peace!!! I knew no matter what happened I was going to be okay....and it was....we landed and I praised the LORD!!

Now back to today. The what-ifs creep up and I have to pray them away..

What if....she hates us...

What if .....shes mad we are not Chinese....

What if.....I dont know how to parent a girl....

What if....she is very delayed....

What if....when she grows up she's really prissy and doesn't want to play BALL (keeping it real)....

What if....she wants me to do her hair and make up (I dont even do mine).....

What if....when she becomes a teenager she talks to me the way I talked to my mother..

What if .....I can't handle working full time...taking care of three kids...sports...school....etc.

You get the idea!!! So I pray, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

My aunt Phyllis gave me a card for everyday we are here...there is a devotional on each day!! I have gone back and read them over and over!!! They have really helped us and I have really enjoyed them and needed them.

This was yesterdays:

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Phillippians 4: 6-7

This part is from Sheila Walsh:

What a gift! The word of God could not be clearer here. If we will relinguish control of our lives and place our trust in God with absolute confidence, then the peace of God which is beyond human understanding, will cover us, protecting our hearts and minds. This is true joy.

So with true joy and complete trust in God, we prepare to meet Miss Olivia Grace Yong Wilson!

Love to you all!!!